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rancidpunks

Apr. 25th, 2008 10:27 am

i dont really use this journal..to those who may be interested, i write whatever i need to here:
http://kiransquest.blogspot.com

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Oct. 5th, 2005 11:32 pm

a quick question:
my mom has informed my doctor that shes worried that i may have an eating disorder and he wants to see me ASAP. So i was just wondering..what kind of test will he do, if any, and what do they look for? and will drugs show up? because ive been told that unless they are testing for drugs specifically then they wont show up.
Thanks ahead of time to anyone who may reply.

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Jul. 30th, 2005 12:04 pm

91lbs
i never have any energy anymore
unless im intoxicated. in which case i usually over-do it and black out.
most of my caloric intake is alcohol.
i need to decide what i want to major in. forensic science? or am i going to switch to engineering and say the past 2 years were a waste of time.
have not gotten my period for 2 months, lets hope its from my eating disorder and not that im pregnant.

To Exit Hit ESC Now.
That Is All.
I'm Fading.

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Jul. 7th, 2005 12:07 am

today.
2 glasses of juice.
1 cookie.
and its midnight..so i did pretty good today..

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Jul. 4th, 2005 04:09 pm

so far...
1 glass of milk
1 cup of tea
2 bites of a banana

yesterday..
water
1 glass of milk
a bun

the day before
1 glass of milk
some salad

ive been doing okay..not great..but okay..
i need to stop drinking milk..

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Jun. 14th, 2005 08:11 pm Breath From Another

Last night he says
" I wish he would just tell her that he wants her. I think she's the one that's forcing the just friends thing and that he wants something more..He's GOT TO TELL HER. I was in that situation once too with that other girl. She forced the just friends thing. He should really tell her."
I sat back..Eyes closed..Wondering why he felt so strongly about him telling her..Then I thought wow. He probably really regrets not telling the girl he was speaking of that he wanted her. Does he still think about her a lot? Am I not good enough...Am I just the one by his side because the one he really wanted..He couldn't have?
then guess who we run into!
god really does have a sick sense of humor.
she's right there..And I thought..That's odd
..His expression..Was one of happiness. I sat..Silently observing, watching his face light up.
how come I don't get that kind of reaction?
I wanted nothing more that to run...And hide..And cry..
sometimes I'm so emo. It probably had something to do with the state I was in at that particular time.
obligation. Maybe that's all it comes down to now.
time.effort and feelings..There all here.maybe he's staying out of obligation maybe he thinks I can't take care of myself that I need him and that he would feel bad leaving. So he stays. Am I keeping him against his will? Am I pushing things unto him that he's not really willing to have?
am I just a burden?
unworthiness. Why is that a feeling that never ceases to exist within me? Why is it so hard for me to make him happy or feel like I make him happy. Why cant I ever believe it when someone says they love me..
perhaps because I still haven't learned to love me. And if I can't love me how could I expect someone else to.
I'm probably just crazy though..That's probably all it is..That's all it ever is.
will this love affair with self-worth ever be over?

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Jun. 6th, 2005 04:40 pm

now at 94lbs....
still fat.
still ugly..
i dont think anything will change that..
new goal...80lbs...

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May. 12th, 2005 11:18 pm double digits.

i thought when i hit double digits..id be happy..i thought maybe then id have been able to prove to myself that i do have control..and that i am beautiful..
who was i kidding.
ive gotten past the 100lb platform that ive been sitting at for far too long..it now reads 98lbs. i still think i look the same as i did when i was at 115. but i dont feel any better. yes im pretty impressed with myself that ive accually made it to here..that i didnt fuck up horribly. but im not satisfied. not at all..i suppose this will never end..im now looking to hit 90lbs..ill move slow..first work to get to 95..and so on..till im soo perfect that i can dissapear. how nice that would be.

Current Mood: discontentdiscontent

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